Like all high-endurance sports, soccer requires a lot from your body. You will drive more loops around the interstate than all the parents of all the colicky babies. You will organize, coordinate, arrange, plan, schedule, reschedule, and then reschedule again at speeds you didn’t know you were capable of. You will face extreme weather and severe personalities. You will be anxious and tired and overwhelmed and grateful for every second of it. But this sport will test you, which is why we tested all the nutritional options on the market and came back with the best choices for every soccer parent.
For parents who have been volunteered to coach the rec team
The Good Sport
Made with puffed whole grain brown rice, despair, blueberries, patience, sprinkles
Reviewed by the Yelp-3-star-rated coach of the U6 Purple Yellow Polka Dot Unicorn Dolphin Puppies, The Good Sport proves to be a delicious memory booster. This bar will help you keep track of Britney, Brittnee, and Britannie, remember when Payton needs to leave early for ballet, and recall which side of the field Jackson’s mom wants him to play on. Our reviewer also noted how the sprinkles buoyed his spirits after hours of parents’ texts demanding more practices, fewer practices, music at practices (not THAT music) and team snacks that are healthier, less messy, more convenient, and have sustainable packaging.
Endorsed by Serenity Behavioral Health.
For parents who drive the carpool
Made with rolled oats, Febreze, a proprietary seed blend, invisibility, sawdust
Gripe about it all you want, driving to practice is the new dinner. Do it right, and you’ll get more intel than eye-rolls. Make it a carpool and you’ll be feasting on info. It won’t be easy though. A carpool that pays informational dividends will challenge your emotions. Also your eardrums and sense of smell. But how else will you hear what really happened at Regan’s sleepover and exactly how hot the new math teacher is? Our testers claim Spillllt gave them the ability to block out boy band music, ignore unmuted Sponge Bob videos, and shrug off that shin guard smell, all while mining gold from the kids’ conversations.
Disclaimer: Spillllt is not responsible for information you’d rather un-hear.
For parents whose kid left his jersey at last week’s out-of-state tournament
Doc Brown’s Fruit Bites
Made with fruit puree, a Delorean time machine, flux capacitor, pectin, a lightning bolt
The car’s packed, the route’s mapped. It’s time to leave for the game when your child is suddenly missing the *only* piece of his uniform that can’t be picked up at the Walmart near the field. With Doc Brown’s Fruit Bites you can return to last Sunday at the hotel before you checked out. Arrive at the moment your son scowled at you for asking if he was sure he had everything, then retrieve his jersey from under the bed. Editor’s note: Testers were enthusiastic about Doc Brown’s, but in full transparency, none have returned from revisiting last week’s tournaments to complete their review.
This product is not approved by the FDA, USDOT or ATF.
For parents with three kids on different fields at the same time
Trimarathon Energy Gel
Made with strawberry juice concentrate, teleportation, chia seeds, DNA cloning
Trimarathon may be your best shot when you need to literally be two (or three) places at the same time. Literally, literally. Testers rated trips between locations as “relatively smooth.” They also noted that the gel’s teleportation feature far outweighs the “drippy, sticky mess” and “metallic aftertaste” they couldn’t ignore. Note that tearing open the gel pack automatically turns off your phone’s location-tracking functionality.
Legislative update: While only CA and CO have passed bills to legalize Trimarathon, it is available on Etsy under the alias Poof. But you didn’t hear that from us.
For parents who drive three hours each way for a 60-minute game
Road Warrior Bites
Made with dark chocolate, lumbar support, X-treme X-presso® concentrate, winning lotto numbers
Sign up for club soccer, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. What they left out was that you would drive enough to require a weekly oil change and gain entrance into the Million Mile Club before your kid outgrows this pair of cleats. But here you are. Testers touted Road Warrior’s patented X-treme X-presso® formula for its trip-enhancing properties (especially in flat states like Ohio). Also popular with our crew were the lottery winnings that helped supplement lost wages from missing so much work in order to drive to team practices, supplemental practices, private training, games, and tournaments.
Road Warrior is an official sponsor of the popular podcast, Shut Up & Drive.
For parents who’d rather get a speeding ticket than be late to the field
4GiveMe LOL Energy Drink Mix
Made with natural flavors, recklessness, caffeine, dopamine, absolutely zero f*cks
You’re not spending Disney-level dollars for your child’s spot on the club team to watch him sit on the bench because he was five seconds late to warm-ups. Besides, how could you have confirmed the garage door was closed without turning around half-way to the field? Our testers love the convenience and versatility of being able to add 4GiveMe to water bottles, soda cans, coffee cups, and flasks.
Save 10% when you volunteer to testify for 4GiveMe LOL in the lawsuit filed by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Also, your tickets are your own.
For parents who watch games in -12 windchill
Thaw Body Patch
Made with hot cocoa extract, bragging rights, ginger, campfire essence, liquid lava
As seen on the HULU original series Extreme Sports Parents — Midwest Edition, Thaw is a direct response to the outcry over ghastly all-weather sports pods. Our testers raved about the patch’s discreteness. They appreciated not having to unbundle blankets, remove mittens, or miss a millisecond of game-time action to activate this envy-inducing digit-defroster. Several commented on how they could barely feel its “sand-paper-like surface” under their customary 16 layers of clothing.
Rated a Top Pick by the Youth Sports Team Managers Association and just added to Zealous Sports Moms’ exclusive Can’t Live Without list.
For parents who know better than the referee that their kid was not offsides
Oh-No-He-Wasn’t Sour Gummies
Made with sugar, conviction, citric acid, righteous indignation, 20/15 vision
This product gets high marks for chewiness. “Perfect for burning nervous energy,” said one tester. “But not so chewy that I couldn’t still communicate with the ref, thank God.” Reviewers appreciated the enhanced vision, even though many pointed out that it’s the refs who can’t see anything.
Coming soon: Oh-Come-On! Kettle Corn, Does-Your-Whistle-Work Nut Mix, and What-Game-Are-You-Watching Warheads
For parents who are trying to watch one of their children’s soccer games while their other two children have just spotted a playground, a puppy, a kid two fields away who looks like their neighbor, and someone with a rainbow snow cone.
Focus! Shark-Shaped Crackers
Made with enriched wheat flour, telescopic vision, shaky cheese, superior arm strength, electrically charged particles
Because when you finally just want your kids to sit still and stare at a screen, suddenly your apps are boring and your movies don’t have enough unicorns in them. One tester found great relief in being able to hold one child on her hip, push another on a swing, and still see her superstar score a goal 200 yards away. Another tester noted how the real-life picture-in-picture allowed him to focus on changing the baby’s diaper while watching his big kid slide tackle the keeper and get ejected from the game.
Not to be consumed by children. The last thing you need is a toddler who can dead-lift you.
For parents who aren’t sure if it’s a bruise or a break
No Worries! CBD Drops
Made with lavender and peppermint essential oil, the Om mantra, cannabidiol, recreational oxygen
When the coach, an accountant by day, slow-jogs onto the field to assess your child’s injury, forget liquid courage, you need imperturbability in a bottle. Especially when you add in all the parents asking you if your child, who is 50 yards away, is ok. Three of our testers put this tincture to use during game-time situations and a fourth used it — also with great success — during an is-this-spam-or-was-my-bank-account-hacked scenario.
Endorsed by the private Facebook Groups: Last-Straw Soccer Moms, The Urgent Care Corral, and The Get Up You’re Fine Brigade.
For parents who want to ask the coach why their kid isn’t getting more playing time
Halt Chewing Gum
Made with xylitol, gum base, super glue, cinnamon, self-restraint, a muzzle
As you might remember from our popular review, “Sideline Chairs that Don’t Suck,” we don’t heap praise very lightly. That being said, we can honestly say the world would be a better place if more parents chewed this gum. Our testers experienced remarkably strong results. Their only complaint was that it didn’t come in more flavors. Several credited Halt with protecting their relationship with their children, in-laws, and neighbors, and one said it saved her marriage.
Three-year winner of The Reformed Soccer Parent’s Gold Star Behavior Award.
For those 36-hour vacations involving 3 soccer games, 1 trip to Dick’s, and 2 nights with an unstaffed hotel pool and broken sleeper sofa
The Edge of Paradise Trail Mix
Made with almonds, cashews, low expectations, those crunchy twig-like things, pure insanity, raisins that look like chocolate chips
Salty and sweet, crunchy and chewy, enticing and misleading, this trail mix has it all, which is just enough to keep you coming back, even though you know it’s not going to be as good as you think. This snack comes in especially handy when the hotel vending machine swallows your last dollar bill then breaks down.
Note: This mix is currently backordered due to the national shortage of expectations.