People to Avoid at Soccer Games

Just like choosing a table in the middle school cafeteria or picking a line at the grocery store, deciding where to sit at your kid’s soccer game may feel like a game of chess. In reality, it’s more like spinning the roulette wheel. Nevertheless, steering clear of a few specific people will decrease the misery of the next 60 minutes.

1. Either parent of the kid who doesn’t like yours
2. The mom who really wants you to join her book club
3. The dad who played soccer in college
4. The parent who believes every single call is a PK
5. Anyone with a musical instrument
6. The mom who is always looking for volunteers to coordinate team activities
7. The dad who brings his portable office
8. Either parent of the kid your kid “accidentally” injured at practice
9. The mom who does talk-to-text during games
10. The couple that sits together but is always in a fight
11. Anyone related to the keeper
12. The dad who wishes his kid was playing football instead
13. The 4-year-old who doesn’t appear to belong to anyone and has 74 questions he’d like to ask you
14. The grandpa who calls all the (adjective) kids by the same name
15. The group of younger siblings trying to recruit an adult to take them to get snacks
16. The dad who likes to tell everyone how poorly his kid is playing
17. The mom who thinks this is all a massive waste of time and money
18. The mom who brought a tuna sandwich to eat at the game
19. Anyone related to the kid with the purple mohawk
20. The dad who thinks the ref wants to know what he thinks
21. The mom who just got her reffing certification
22. The couple who knows you’ll just love their time-share
23. The coach’s wife
24. The coach’s mom
25. The coach’s wife’s mom
26. Any adult with their kid’s team name or colors painted on their face
27. The dad who keeps forgetting that he’s already told you that story
28. The group of moms sharing horror stories about getting IUDs
29. The family that brings three young kids, a dog, a grandparent, two iPads, a case of juice boxes, and a person-sized bag of kettle corn
30. The cool couple who is super-friendly but whose names you can never remember
31. The mom whose car battery needs a jump because she left her younger kids in it with the a/c on for the whole game